I am a walking-talking paradox. It took me some time to realise it, but it’s true. My mind is filled with conflicting thoughts and ideas and I’m often torn between wanting to be nice to people around me and wanting to murder everyone in sight at the same time. I like to describe myself as jolly and happy-go-lucky all the time, and while on the surface it may seem that way, deep down I am an emotional wreck. Of course it’s not always the case, and either of these things could pass off as ‘teenage hormones’ to any of you reading this, but I assure you, it’s not. I know, because it’s what I’ve led myself to believe all this while.
There’s another conflicting thing – or rather, two things – that I do. I have this habit of sharing [and sometimes even over-sharing] personal life experiences in detail with the people I’m close to, telling them my deepest secret ever, but when it comes to speaking my mind out about what’s troubling me, I become most adamant and can, quite frankly, be a pain-in-the-arse for said person, which brings up the whole conflict between over-sharing and not sharing at all. It takes a lot of time [within which I will have made matters worse by burying these troublesome thoughts in my head, occasionally pondering over them a little too much, and making life miserable for myself.]. I don’t know if it’s because I think I may burden the person by telling them, or I’m just scared of telling them because of what they’ll think, but it’s a stupid habit I’ve picked up, and it is the reason I’m writing this post today.
I let these troubling thoughts consume me, and this is what I truly detest about myself. I give these mere [sometimes even nonsensical] thoughts the power to take over my life, to ruin my mood [which is what causes the drastic mood change from joyous to miserable and crying myself to sleep all in the span of five minutes]. It has become such a problem in my life – not only has it led to the breaking of several relationships, but it has also caused me to worry to the point that it sickens me. So I figured I needed to give it due consideration, to get things sorted out.
Penning this down really helped me let it all out and express myself, and also identify the actual problem. I’ve been aware of this problem for a while, but I have only recently realised the need to solve it, because I can’t afford to lose more friends because of it, or give up my happiness for it. Nothing is worth that much.
Getting rid of something like this could take a while, but I am now making a conscious effort to change. I want to shatter the contradictory thoughts that leave me undecided about things in my life; I want to be genuinely happy, and not use it as a cover-up for my misery; above all, I want to take away these little things in my life that are obstacles to my living it freely and on my own terms.