Taking control.

I’m back. I’ve been away too long… Or not, because my return isn’t entirely voluntary. I’m not going to lie, I was happy while I was away. However, there was a part of me that felt empty and neglected. It was clawing at me, craving my attention, begging for my consideration. I avoided it, with the good ol’ ”it’s not you, it’s me” excuse. It did feel like a terrible break-up, even though my disappearance is not new; quite a frequent occurrence, on the contrary.

The truth is, I was afraid. In the past year, I’ve had to face a lot of harsh realities and bitter truths – especially with regards to my personal life – because I devoted a lot of my time comparing myself to people around me. My inabilities were brought to light and, quite frankly, they hit me hard. It led to a lot of self-doubt, and I found it incredibly hard to believe in myself, or even in the skills/talents I believed I had possessed the entire time. It was a dark phase, with a lot of not feeling ”good enough”, and involved many struggles wherein I tried to prove [more to myself than anyone else] that I had it all wrong, that I wasn’t, in fact, incompetent. Needless to say, it never actually worked. So, I went through each day living a dull life, never venturing out into the unknown, living comfortably [and lazily] in my own comfort zone. I told myself a break would do me good, and hence pushed it all aside, with the hopes of turning things around in the summer break.

I had a lot of plans for this summer [I know I always do, but this was legit, I promise.], a good deal of which revolved around my trying to find my worth and trying to write/discover talents I was unaware I possessed. However, the coward/procrastinator within me took over. That is why I’ve been away. My fear of being incapable took center stage, and compelled me to push aside any ideas that came to me – ideas that were begging to be transformed into something meaningful, something I was capable of doing. The small voice in my head [of cowardice, not reason] thought otherwise, and I never once dared to pick up my book and pen and transform my thoughts into words. The ideas remained but ideas, and later just faded away into ”what could have been”.

To be honest, I’m still afraid. But this time, I made a vow to not let my fear take control of my life. The last thing I want is to let my fears define me. It’s a pity it took me a number of missed opportunities to get to this realisation, but I’m glad I’m here, nonetheless.

-CF

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