Oops, you did it again.
Your selfishness doesn’t bother me; it’s human nature. Moreover, you’re entitled to it. You, walking around with that snobbish face of yours with your nose so high up in the air, you can barely see in front of you; the face I have grown to love. Behind this seemingly cold outward appearance you flaunt like it belongs to you, there’s warmth. The warmest smile, the warmest hugs, the warmest heart… your very being is so paradoxical.
I hate you. I hate myself more because I don’t really hate you – I could never bring myself to – and no matter how many times I feel hurt or fed up, I just cannot summon the courage to walk away. I could never walk away; it’d be my loss. It’s not that I don’t respect myself; I just hold you in higher regard.
You deserve a lot more than I could ever give, and sometimes I beat myself up about it… until I realise you’re not obliged to stay. You can just get up and walk away anytime you’d like, and as much as that breaks me, it also gives me a sort of relief to know that I won’t be the reason you’re a settler. You’ll be a settler wherever you go, because no one could ever match up to the person that you are. I was being extremely ambitious when I decided to push myself into your life and I’m grateful that I have managed to hold on thus far – I guess I got lucky.
I hate the effect you have on me, and how my mood can change within a matter of seconds because of what you say. (or don’t.) I hate that you make me have all these feelings and actually compel me to focus on these feelings even though they never do make sense to me. I hate that despite all of this, I still choose to stay and bring all this upon myself. I hate that I love you so, so much; I really shouldn’t.