They say to write what you feel, for it makes your writing seem authentic; it makes your writing relatable, which means people will appreciate it.
I know this to be true, and so I agree with it. But …I feel incapable. I feel worthless. I feel like no matter how hard I try, there’s always going to be someone who’s better, and while I agree that I may not (and do not have to) be the best, I would at least like to consider myself competent.
You see, I’ve always been quite a perfectionist. (Don’t let my lazy attitude fool you – I’m forever beating myself up about how I never use my full potential.) I think somewhere along the line, I mixed up my perfectionist attitude with my pessimist one, which put me in this state. It’s a mess. I cannot write without thinking about people who write so much better and so much more naturally and about how they must read my writing in a judgemental manner. (I’m quite certain they don’t, but this is how I think anyway.) I cannot sing freely because I’m afraid of people who sing better than me thinking how terrible a singer I am.
But of course, this is not what you want to read. (IF you haven’t already closed the page.) This is not exactly desirable, not on a public platform like this. No. People always want to read about the good things that happen in your life. When you have a good day and write about it, people enjoy it. But what about the not-so-good days? Days when you just go through hurdles and hurdles and still more hurdles – some you manage to jump over; some you just can’t be bothered with and so get knocked down – and there never is a light at the end of that tunnel, no matter how hard you try to see it. And even though those days may be best forgotten, you still have feelings. A lot of negative feelings, probably, but feelings nevertheless. Feelings that beg to be expressed.
So I’m left puzzled. I don’t want what I write to be depressing or emotional to someone reading it, but it IS what my feelings sound like when I have bad days/phases anyway.
It’s a struggle. Do I sugar-coat my words and write only about my happy, fun thoughts? But then, if I don’t write how I actually feel, how will my words ever sound real?