I do not like Change. Change is that clingy friend who wants to hang out every once in a while, but – just like I do with most of my friends, sadly – I find ways to turn him down (“look, I know this is important and all, but just back off, okay? I’m not ready for that sort of commitment yet.”)…or ever, really.
The good part about being the conflicted person I am is that I always recognise when there is a need for change. The bad part is that I never want to go through with it. Whether it leads to something good or bad, I just don’t want to go down that road. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. I’m only slightly AFRAID of trying something new, but I can never really understand why it makes me feel so uncomfortable every time.
FYI, here’s a quick run-down on everything I’ve faced in the past four-odd months: I graduated and bid farewell to my ‘home’ for the last five years (I was never ‘homesick’ in this case – just sick of ‘home’) and a handful of the lovely people I met there who helped me create countless memories that I won’t ever forget (no exaggeration – I have an impeccable memory); I’m still in the process of bidding farewell to a part of that handful as they move on and explore what the world has to offer them – or, more accurately, what they have to offer the world – while having a rather hard time keeping it together myself because my path is so different and not even formed yet, really, so it’s…Daunting, to say the least; most recently, I switched jobs and bid farewell to people and a wonderful little ‘cocoon’ – both of which shaped me for the past year, to go down a previously unexplored path and figure out my ‘true calling’.
Whew. It’s a lot heavier than it sounds, because goodbyes and new beginnings happening in quick succession are new to my life. “It’ll take some getting used to” has been my go-to line for the past week! It sucks leaving something great behind, especially when you don’t quite have a choice.
While I am currently in what I define as the ‘uncomfortable phase’, I’m making it a point to become more aware of the changes happening in my life, and to be more welcoming, because this is only the beginning of this kind of life for me, and it’s kind of imperative that I look at it not as a door that’s closing in on me, but as multiple doors that I walk through… Until I reach the next one.